I thought I would be better at keeping up my blog but many times by night I am really tired. I have one year left of coursework for my Ph.D. After coursework I take the exam and then the dissertation. The road I am on is very lonely and you can be in a relationship and not only feel alone but you can feel lonely. All the people that knew me my first go around in studies are all dead and people today will give you a few seconds of kind words and then poof they be gone. Culture has certainly changed a lot. Not sure I like how it has evolved, especially when you have a significant amount of people on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications. When you see statistics this large, you realize (or at least I do) that we have an enormous problem. My support system is nothing of what it used to be and I’m not sure its my fault. One can reach out to people but if they cant be bothered with you then you move on. Everyone seems to be so self involved; usually with their phones. That seems to be the major relationship everyone is involved with now…..their phones, ipads, ipods. I learned that you never go where you aren’t invited or wanted. Since phones are a solitary device for the most part, you are alone and the more alone and isolated we become the more anxiety and depression will proliferate and I believe its going to get MUCH MUCH worse within the next 5 years. Technology is to assist us not take over as the main mode of communication between people. Have you noticed that people don’t converse anymore? You go out to a bar and everyone is on their phones texting to the guy they want to meet from 10 feet away. Yeah people, we are in a heap of trouble. No one even calls anyone anymore; they text. They propose marriage over a text, they break up over a text, they fight through texting, they make important announcements through texting. No one hears any human voice anymore. you have a computerized voice to tell you where such and such place is. You don’t even talk to an operator anymore to get a number or to ask for directions at a gas station. You TEXT to get answers for everything. This in my estimation is NOT good at all! The human system is broken and we have allowed technology to break us. Rather than have technology be OUR servant it has become our MASTER! Leather groups are becoming less and less, and the only way the “community” gets together is through a contest with brings in the green (money). Leather has become big business and the producers and vendors know it…OHHH they know it. If a producer is losing money year after year that he digs deep into his own pocket to keep a contest going, so much that he has to work all year to produce his contest, he would get tired and stop. The fact that they don’t, means they are pulling profit. NO ONE is going to keep a contest going for 5 or ten years when they have to work at their full time job to keep the contest going because it loses substantial money EVERY year. That don’t make sense and no one loves their community THAT much even when the producer whines about all the money he’s losing just to keep the contest going! REALLY? So you lose money EVERY year and you work at your job to pay rent food car etc., AND to keep the contest alive? When pressed for a response I get them to admit that well not EVERY year. Sometimes they break even and sometimes they pull in good money.. THANK YOU!! I know a guy who ran a contest and was able to lease new cars to travel all over the place to keep his contest in the public eye but the title holder got NOTHING for his travel fund. He gave nothing to his community but kept his pockets ample! I don’t bother much anymore with what I see. I cant change it but I remain true to who I am and that’s the best I can do. I have wonderful memories that no one is interested in hearing because it doesn’t exist anymore and no one is interested in trying to get back to basics. Too much business and money involved. Leather groups used to be very social within their community. Now they are concentric circles of emotional and sometimes sexual incest. IF you don’t bring in new people then you have this small clique of guys who tend to keep everyone out and never reach out to their community. IF they are solely a social group, they don’t have open social events for others to maybe want to join because they’re too busy and focused on keeping the circle closed. They usually die out because there’s no growth. They pat each other on the back when they really do nothing for anyone but themselves. Yes things have changed a TON! There has to be a way around this.. I just haven’t been able to figure it out….YET.
Last night I came to an EPIC discovery. I RARELY use that word (sorry Evan boy) but in this instance its appropriate. I have for YEARS tried to figure out whats going on with the leather community. Why things seem to be moving south. Why money and leather has become synonymous with business. Well Thanks to boy Jim James, it came to me last night while on a Face-time chat with him that went on for hours.
I inadvertently discovered that its not the community; its the men in it who are breaking the links of the chain that bond us together.
These links are being broken by greed, by unscrupulous producers and judges; TOO MANY CONTESTS that continue to expand when WE DON’T NEED ANY MORE! I have never heard ANYONE talk about a dollar figure if ALL these contest budget books were opened and there are A LOT! I would bet my low hanging ballsack that it would be in the MILLIONS of dollars and that doesn’t include the money that vendors have to pay to rent space AND the money THEY take in from sales. All I CAN say is at the end of the weekend most of them are sitting there with BIG smiles on their faces.
An old saying often pops into my head when I think about this. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Now DON’T misread this. I am NOT picking out ANY SPECIFIC person or title.. I am talking about the SUM TOTAL of EVERYTHING; 12 months worth of tons of contests. WHY Cant the Leather community get together without a freaking contest? WHY WHY WHY??? You can have a run like a biker/leather run. What in Gods name HAPPENED to those??? I don’t feel for a second that these guys who put on sashes represent me at all. Yes of course there are a few who embody the BEST of their positions but for the majority, NO! I am sick to death of seeing hundreds and sometimes thousands of photos of so and so traveling around grabbing every ass and dick he can. BIG FREAKING DEAL!! I don’t need a sash to do that. So you pick up a boy in every city and collect them? What does that mean? NOT A DAMN THING! So you push yourself into EVERY friggin photo op. That means? NOTHING! IF you’re working for the community just to get your ass in every photo then its meaningless. SERVICE IS ITS OWN REWARD, NOT NOTORIETY!! The only reason you’re being worshiped is because you are bringing money to the contest, the vendors and the producer. They couldn’t give a rats ass how much you made for A&B charity. You are bringing THEM money…I have ACTUALLY heard this on more than one occasion, and I quote, “hey who cares where the funds go but hes a big ticket seller for us. Look at how many people hes brought in..CHA-CHING!!!” I wonder what those gay soldiers in leather would be saying now? After WW2 I don’t think it was about this. Try reading some history and you’ll find out it has NOTHING to do with any of the crap I mentioned above.
I am not going to even approach the subject of producers who have mismanaged, misappropriated or promised travel funds then didn’t come through with it….in other words stole the money…we like to use fancy words because it makes it more palatable for people rather than face the fact that money was TAKEN, PERIOD.
I wonder what those leather biker soldiers would say? I can tell you that their asses would have been taken out behind the bar and they would have gotten the shit kicked out of them.. NOW we get, Oh they came clean..forgiveness is golden.. WTF. The money is GONE..TAKEN..yes yes … KUMBAYA! This is what we are now. I can picture those tough marlboro men pissing on each others bikes singing Kumbaya and wondering who the next MR, so and so Leather was going to be…OH YES…The THICK STRONG chain links are indeed BROKEN!!!
Here I am getting ready to watch the Leather SIR/boy contest in about 45 minutes. I had been asked numerous times over the past few days why I wasn’t running, from others who just assumed that I was. I feel that in 5 years no one will remember who I am, what year I won or what title it was, and it would take too much energy to keep myself in the public spotlight just to be remembered. I feel I can do much more that’s worthwhile for the community I love by exactly what I am doing right now…Not exactly because I want you to remember ME for ME’s sake but because I want to leave you with knowledge about where I come from and who I am..and most importantly, who YOU are.